Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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