My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
