proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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