At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize