I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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