When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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