I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you inspire me to be a worse person
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
