god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
