He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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