His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
