He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
