We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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