i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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