I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize