you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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