I intend to get homeless drunk
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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