My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
smell my finger.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
