Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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