oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize