The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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