He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
