We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
