I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
did you just send me my own nude
He? As in you personified your dick?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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