Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
