Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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