I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
