don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize