Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
