Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
