My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
