the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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