Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
