my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
