Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
