I think I won the penis lottery.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They took my balls.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
