Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize