Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
