my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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