I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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