Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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