God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
