I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
