He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
