your parents love me but you hate me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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