I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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