So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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