Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
