why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
