Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
