This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
