Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
