im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
