I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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