if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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