I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
