I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
