He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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