Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
