No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize