I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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