My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
