$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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