: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
third nipple confirmed
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
