Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize