LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
