Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
