i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
