p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
